LAZY TOPS

Jack Rinella

June 30, 2008

The guy who wrote me this question asked the right person as I’m the laziest top I know: “I consider myself a fairly active dominant, in the sense that I am very pro-active about coming up with exciting scenes and activities to engage my girls. Recently I have been putting in long hours at work and when I come home I am pretty exhausted. I'm hoping that in time I will be able to balance my responsibilities better, but in the meantime I would still like to be served and offer my subs the opportunity to enjoy serving me while scaling back my level of responsibility. Is this completely unreasonable, or do you have advice to offer a dominant who simply doesn't have that much extra time or energy at the moment?”

In case you haven’t heard, my favorite command, after all, is “Do me.”

There are times when Patrick gets downright disgusted with my being “on my back” and making him do all the work. It goes with the territory, as far as I’m concerned. Long ago I began repeating Master Panman’s rule: “It is the duty of the slave to arouse the master.” After all, my favorite fetish is control. I religiously teach every new applicant that what I want is obedience. Period. End of discussion. I’m a “mean and demanding son of a bitch.” Both lust and selfishness are virtues in my bedroom and in my religion.

If that wets your whistle, pussy, or prick, then you understand me. If not, go find some service top with whom to play.

OK, those are pretty strong words and quite frankly, they only apply when they’ve been negotiated. My outlook is pretty limited. I know what I want and will wait for the right person to come along and give it to me. Do I play with others who might be less accommodating to my desires? Sure do. I’m no fool. An orgasm now is always better than one later, even if I do have get up out of bed to give some pushy bottom incentive to get me off.

All that said, I guess it’s time for all the qualifications and disclaimers. The most important of which is that all relationships are created by the two people in them. In my case, I can exploit my laziness because I am dealing with men who have very slavish desires and for whom control is desired and obedience is easily given. Fully-developed and intense master/slave relationships, though, are generally very rare. Most couples are actually top/bottom pairs and share a more egalitarian model.

I suspect that the writer of the above question is probably in that kind of a relationship, as his clue words “fairly active dominant” (as opposed to master) and “engage my girls” (as opposed to slaves) indicate a more middle of the spectrum relationship.

That leads to the next consideration. Too often we don’t clearly define our terms when we enter into a relationship. The use of words like “dominant” and “girl” leave a very wide opening for future confusion. On the one hand, either partner is liable to go further than what was understood by the other, such as by being too controlling or too passive, or one partner will be disappointed that the other partner hasn’t gone far enough.

I know of several instances where a submissive partner wanted more dominance, in fact more slavery, from his or her master and didn’t get it. Here I can write from experience. Several years ago, Patrick and I went through some six months during which time he expressed dissatisfaction with my sexual performance. I could tell that was the case because he would scream at me, get up off his knees and angrily stride out the bedroom door, slamming it behind him. Reading his body language at the time was rather easy, to say the least.

In the end we finally came to terms with what was happening. It turns out that Patrick had begun to feel that I was failing to control him tightly enough. Here’s a real case where his desire for my exercise of greater control would never have been discerned in his expression of frustration. Only open and clear dialogue led us to discovering what was actually, as opposed to what appeared to be, happening.

I suspect, then, that what is a problem for the guy writing the above question may not be a problem for his “girls.” On the other hand, how the hell do I know? They had best just sit down and talk about it. Only then will they come to a correct conclusion.

Another line of thought here is just as probable. There comes a time, I think, when every player has to come to terms with his or her desired role. The dominant culture in which we live and from which we learn our values sends extremely mixed signals when it comes to both submission and dominance. In some situations we are taught that being assertive, aggressive, and competitive are good qualities, while in others we are taught to conform, do what we’re told and behave. In either case it is natural to harbor unconscious feelings of guilt in being either dominant or submissive.

The answer is to learn what is authentic about oneself and to gain the courage needed to live authentically. It means to be honest with your prospective partners about your needs and desires and from that perspective negotiate your way into the relationship that suits you best. For those already in relationships it is just as important to remember that negotiation is an on-going process and that all relationships are going to have to change as the people in them invariably change, and change they will.

So my friend finds himself busier than usual at work. Others may find a decline in energy with age or their state of health. Relationships may become more intense or less so. Every passing year is going to bring new feelings, new ideas, and new desires, not to mention the rising of old desires, the shedding of old ideas, and the complicated issues of ever-progressing stages of life.

But back to the question. I hope it’s obvious that I see nothing wrong with my friend’s passivity. There are, though, two aspects of it that need to be examined. First are the demands of his employment. Assuming that they are not negotiable is easy to do. Such is often the case these days, where overtime is expected, loyalty to one’s employer is too often a one-way street, and changing jobs is no easy proposition. What can be done, though, is that time and attention can be given in little ways and at times that don’t interfere with the work week. The answer is to plan better, even to the point of putting dates with one’s girls on your calendar. Schedule now for play later. It’s much too important to be off your schedule and left to chance.

Secondly, give yourself permission to “let them serve” you, even if you need to discuss this issue with them beforehand. Not only might you be surprised by their answers, you might just get to lie back more often and more fully enjoy it.

Hear about polyamory from an expert. This week’s podcast is with Deborah Anapol, author of “Polyamory, The New Love Without Limits. Hear it at Leatherviews.libsyn.com

Have a great week.

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website http://www.LeatherViews.com

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